Thursday, July 17, 2014

Abuse

Been awhile. Quite awhile, actually.

Unfortunately, my life is such that not much has happened.

School is going relatively well. Getting a solid C in anatomy and physiology, which is... sufficient. I have been constantly putting off accounting, but whatever. And probably A's and B's in my various Office classes.

Yay me.

Spent a couple weeks hitting the alcohol a little too hard. Decided after this past weekend that that's got to stop for a bit; been relatively depressed lately, and that sure as hell isn't helping anything. So going to back off for awhile, just to readjust. I don't need to go down that road again.

I jokingly brought up a Journey playtest the other day to the Friday group, and they have taken to the notion with surprising gusto. That was... around a month ago, and we're due to start in a few weeks. I've done pretty much nothing about it; a little work, here and there, but nothing major. I feel the need for a manic episode, and... nothing is coming.

Still jobless. Unsurprising.

Still single. Also unsurprising. Though I've managed to mostly wean myself off of compulsively checking in on Danielle all the damn time. I know that that is fucking pathetic, but... hopefully one day I can look back and laugh at myself, for how much of my twenties were consumed by such a useless girl. I really hope that turns out to be the case, anyway, though I'll fully admit I don't expect that to happen.

And I've managed to pretty well alienate myself from my friends. So... go me, I guess. Hopefully I can start patching things up once these classes are done, because... fuck, they are kind of keeping me busy. Even though I'm being lazy.

So: that's me, this month.

304 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Hope

I'm inebriated right now. Been listening to the music of... better times, I guess. Goddamn I listened to a bunch of depressing shit back in the day.

I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of being trapped in the past. Once upon a time, my drinking at least served a purpose... now? It's just... fucking habit.

I want to have hope that the future is going to be better. I don't believe that, though. As time marches forward, my circles shrink, and the notion that I can do the things I want to do, that I can live a life that is worth living, feels ever more distant.

I hate feeling helpless like this. I hate feeling hopeless. I don't want to be trapped here... but there are so few, so very few, who believe in my ability to improve on my situation and make things better.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. And that... just kinda makes things worse.

I have no idea how many days remain, anymore. It's a number... a smaller number than yesterday, to be sure.

Everything feels like it's floating. I hate this uncertainty. I hate this feeling of... waiting.

A still more glorious dawn awaits... or so I keep telling myself. I guess only time will tell.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Frustrated

Ugh.

So I've been tooling around the internet for quite awhile, these days. Mostly I spend my time on gaming-related message boards; for the past few years, I've spent most of that time theorycrafting, trying to understand gaming and my style, and understand my own goals more thoroughly.

Specifically, I'm interested in making my game function and do the things I want it to do. I've spent a long time on Journey. I have a vague sense of what I want out of it, and I have a vague sense of how to go about it.

Something like five or six different boards, now. Each focused on their own thing, in their own ways; and yet, all of them are, somehow, useless to me. Either full of assholes, full of useless crap, or just... it's just a very aggravating experience, generally.

I started this evening with a sense of... rejuvenation, in a way, I guess. I feel like I've been building up towards working on it again, in a big way. A big push towards getting things finalized, ready for testing.

And then a bunch of assholes show up and completely ruin my mood.

It's like... come the fuck on, people. Why does everyone feel the need to be so antagonistic? Why are people such dicks? Why does everything have to be taken exactly the wrong way? Why are people so convinced that everyone else is wrong?

I fucking hate people.

Anyway... it's late, and now I'm irritated, and I should probably go to bed. Should probably start actually working on homework come the morning...

346 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits...

Monday, June 02, 2014

Drift

Sitting here, listening to one of the first Explosions in the Sky songs I heard. It was... Halloween, somewhere in Minnesota, when Hamtaro was still living out there. I can't really remember the year, anymore... '09, maybe? No, had to be earlier than that, I think... maybe it was '07. Or '06.

I have no idea. But it brings me back to the days when we were... well, when the nakama still worked. Before I broke everything.

...

I remember thinking, so many times when Danielle was here, that I needed to cherish those moments. That I needed to hold on to those times for as long as I could, because I knew - somehow - that it wouldn't last. There was always an odd sense of foreboding, deep in my mind, when I contemplated our future... I knew it wouldn't last.

There was always something freeing about being in a relationship. It's so odd, to try to remember it now. Not a sense that she was there to be relied on, but... she anchored me, is the phrase I used. Not in a bad way, of course: the knowledge that she was there for me gave me the strength to carry on, in some ways.

Of course, over time, that feeling subsided, became normal, and I succumbed to my normal routines of depression and such. I find it hard to imagine that, now, so far removed from being in a relationship: it's been... just under six years, now. Most of my adult life has been spent alone. Moments in time...

Sigh.

...

Goddamnit, being depressed sucks ass. I know that it will pass, that it's just a natural product of my brain chemistry and that it is cyclical, that there is really nothing I can do about it and should just accept it and try to carry on, because one day - probably a week or two from now - I will wake up and the feeling will be gone.

But the loneliness... that will stay, as it has. As it will. There is naught but the Work, and I will one day accept that fact in all its looming totality. Until then, I come to terms with it, one bit of my soul at a time.

...Jesus fucking Christ, purple prose much? All this melodramatic horseshit just makes me irate with myself. Fuck this noise. If I'm going to be depressed, I can at least keep it to myself. I have science to watch.

349 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Simple

Two weeks... how to summarize.

You would think that my success this past semester would be a reason to be happy. But... this is me we are talking about. I don't even feel content: just... emptiness. Depression without rhyme or reason. Mildly distressing.

Living with Mitch is just as weird as I'd anticipated it would be.

...

I don't even really know why I wanted to write a post. Guess I just felt it'd been awhile, and seemed appropriate to do an update. But there's really nothing going on.

Had an argument with Jim, this past weekend. Well, couple of arguments, I suppose. These things happen, but he pretty well pissed me off one night, then I managed to super piss him off the next. Think he's just got a lot on his mind, work-wise, and... something else seems to be bothering him, but I'm not really sure what it is. As for me, I'm still not entirely done mentally or emotionally dealing with Danielle's latest betrayal, so... well, that's how it goes, with me. It'll probably take me until '15 to be completely over it, because I'm lame like that.

Wound up having to get my parents' help with getting a loan for school. Surprisingly enough, they went with it; I will fully admit I thought I'd have to do something else, but figured it didn't hurt to ask. Their caveat was that I find a job by the end of summer. Which... I mean, really? I'm finally doing well in school, so let's make that more difficult by throwing a job on top of it? I fail to see the logic, but... whatever, I guess. Now that my GPA doesn't suck ass, I might actually be able to find something halfway decent, so there is that, at least.

Been super bored since classes ended. I'm hoping that the start of the summer will fix that, but... online classes, blah. Probably not. At least when my loans come through I'll be able to go out again...

In other news, last week I had a massive toothache. It's subsided now, but... I also can't feel part of my face, and the past couple days, had some odd chest and back pains. Not sure if that's related, but I get the feeling it might be. The numbness is also really weird. Should probably get to the dentist, I imagine one of my teeth got infected or something... which happens, when you lose your crowns, I suppose. Gotta stop putting that off.

Anyway, going to go try to not be bored. Either that or sleep, or something.

354 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits...

Sunday, May 18, 2014

27

Oh yeah, this happened.

27 now... just another day.

Another day spent in this hellhole.

Soon, though... less than a year, now.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Boil

I find that I enjoy violin in the music I listen to, especially when feeling particularly... melacholy.

How much of my life did I waste on her? ...nearly a decade, I suppose, in thinking on it. From those days in high school, when we wrote to each other back and forth... those couple years we actually spent together... the years of drinking and depression after she left... those few dalliances after.

So much of my life, so much of my heart, shattered. Even now she still haunts me. What little ability I had to devote to another, and she has chosen to forsake it... and that part of me, I fear, can never be rekindled for another. After the abuses and manipulations at the hands of others, I can no more trust another human being with who and what I am than I could take to the skies in flight.

Thus I sit here, boiling in impotent rage at the girl who destroyed me.

...

There is only the Work now. There can only be the Work. And perhaps I was a fool for ever thinking it could be otherwise; I am not a man who can feel love, and it seems prudent to realize that. I am cold, callous, distant, unable to relate to others on an emotional level - that I ever thought that I could enjoy that warmth seems but a feverish dream, now, the product of a mind unable and unwilling to accept its shadow.

But I know what I am, now. Perhaps if she had not left the way she did, if she had not betrayed my trust this past year in the manner to which she is so accustomed - perhaps the darkness within me would have laid buried, just outside my vision. I knew it was there, yes, but I thought I had defeated it and forced it into hiding... only now, after her betrayal, have I found that that darkness will always be with me. I carry it always, and can only mask it from others in the most superficial of ways.

...

To summarize: I am depressed because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be alone the rest of my life, and am not sure that - because of my specific psychology - I'm not going to ever be able to fix that notion. I'm angry at Danielle for being a psychotic bitch, and saddened by the fact that I wasted so much of my life and energy on her. I'm convinced that I'm going to be alone, and thus have decided that the best response is to focus solely on my projects, and ultimately, AI.

...I should really burn what shit of hers I have. I think it would make me feel better.

But I'm also really craving a drink, so... I don't think I should trust my thoughts at the moment. I've got a bad feeling that succumbing to this sudden interest in drinking right now is going to lead down that particular road again, and... well, we all remember how well that went, eh? In that it didn't and basically flushed two years of my life down the drain.

But hey, I'm feeling all stream-of-consciousness, so I guess now is as good a time as any to finish my philosophy paper.

Sigh... a still more glorious dawn awaits. And I really fucking hope that's true, because at this point, it's looking pretty downhill from here.