Wednesday, February 25, 2015


It's been an unusual month.

The malaise passed, as it always does. The depression comes, the depression goes; such is the cycle of my mind.

Not what I want to talk about.


Once upon a time, I self-identified as a gamer, an anarchist, an intellectual.

Someone who snubbed the idea of physical perfection; someone who thought that feminism was a noble goal; someone who believed in the ideas of democratic policies; someone who believed that getting along with others was a perfectly viable way to get through life.

I no longer identify as those things, and I am no longer that person.

I have spent a significant amount of time, over the past six months, reading various things scattered throughout the internet. Rusty, misshapen thoughts; not the smooth, mirrored curves of the ideas held in academic halls, but notions whispered of in secret, amongst those who - in one way or another - attempt to fight back against the sociopolitical currents of our time. Rebels in their own way, but not in the progressive sense; no, the tide has turned too far, and now rebellion is an attempt to return to the way things once were, in a better time.

The madness has gone too far, and there are those who fight against the tide - if one seeks them out.

Once upon a time, I descended into the Black, and for a long time, I considered that my darkest hour. I dallied with the shadow in my mind, the darkness that lurks within the depths of who - and what - I am, and only at the last moment did I bring myself back from that brink.

But now... heh, now. Now I realize that my only folly at the time was how I ventured into it - that my fumbling steps into it nearly threw me headlong into an ideology that I was not, at the time, ready to accept. The Black is not an abyss, but it took me a long time to accept that, and to accept that this is, mentally, where I have needed to go.


I have found a level of ... something, within. Where once I was meek and shy, I now project and proclaim my stance. I do not back down in the face of adversity. I mock the foolish, reprimand the disrespectful, disdain the incompetent. I command, where once I would have asked; I demand, where once I would have hoped; I lead, where once I would have followed.

There is no room in my heart for softness. I will no longer suffer fools quietly. I stamp out dissent and destroy those who oppose me, using whatever means are necessary to do so. I do not fight fair; I fight to win.

I am the alpha, and I have found my will to power.

79 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


Waking up process... takes me awhile, these days. I kinda feel like ass, at the moment.

Been having a rough time mentally, lately. Don't know what the fuck is going on in my brain. Things are going well, things are going according to plan... still I'm just a ball of hate.

What is it going to take for me to become a well-adjusted individual? Why am I always so... off-balance?

I have no idea how to center myself, and I can see that it's a problem, but I don't really have any idea how to go about fixing it.

Maybe my problem is that I still let that night define me. Over six years ago, and it still... it's still the fulcrum of my life. I don't like that. I need to let it go, somehow.

At this point I think the only way that's going to happen is if I get out of this town. Need to make a fresh start somewhere else. Get away from all the reminders... I don't know.

Anyway. Class is soon.

107 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits...

Saturday, January 17, 2015


Ugh, hacking up a lung... but I suppose I can post now. At least I feel a lot less dead than I have this past week.

So, let's see... oh right, New Years. Very fuzzy, for me. Some chick broke my glasses (not on purpose), some other stuff happened, went home reasonably early (3 am, if I recall).

Anyway, uh... that following Monday, so the 5th, my car blew a tire. This is a thing with cruisers, apparently, with their idiotic aluminium rims (especially in this climate). Simple case of getting it towed and a new pair of tires thrown on. No big deal, but it cost me three days.

So, during that week, I had increasing sinus pain... oh right, that first week of January (and last week of December), I'd had a mild sinus infection on the left side. Nothing major, but it did lead me to believe that the new pains that started on the 6th or so were either the same infection or a new one, just on the other side.

Come to find out, evening of the 8th, that the pain wasn't sinuses at all - it was a dental abscess! Oh joy. I managed to drive to the hospital despite the piercing pain, got put on meds, went home and passed out. I'd had an abscess before, a few years back, so I knew this would be a few days of being down and then things would be all peachy.

Haha... yeah, no.

This past Monday, so... the 12th, I was feeling pretty fine. The weekend had been rough - the pain-killers they'd given me gave me some pants-on-head-retarded hallucinations, which were a known side-effect that impacts roughly .1% of users (go me!), but I managed to get through it and was feeling peachy. Was still on the pain-killers though, which very explicitly could not be mixed with alcohol, so I refrained from going out and stayed in...

...and at some point during the night, managed to develop a viral upper respiratory infection. I know it's viral because, well, I was on friggin' penicillin, so it's not like it could be bacterial (okay, I guess fungal wouldn't be out of the question, but given that it's been hitting -35 wind chill here... probably no so much). This upper respiratory infection was joined by conjunctivitus of the left eye, which has been super-fun to deal with. And then a couple days later (so Wednesday, the 14th), my lymph nodes started swelling up like crazy, and the right side of my face started to puff up a little bit.

That gave me cause for concern, so that was another trip to the hospital. They clocked my temp at 99.1, which for me is ridiculously high (like super-feverish). Normally I'm at around 94 or 95. What's even funnier is that the first time I went in, I mentioned that I felt a little feverish, and they measured my temp at 98.3. I mean... how ironic is that? But you'd think that'd give somebody a clue that maybe my physiology is a little off-spec, and would warrant a bit more investigation... nobody seemed to give a damn, either time.

Researched the symptoms and made sure the abscess hadn't gone septic, as the puffiness had me a bit worried in that regard: my thinking was that maybe I was on enough penicillin to keep it localized, but not enough to kill the infection outright. Turns out that I have pretty much none of the symptoms of septicemia, so that's cool.

So basically... 2015 has just been trying to kill me, a lot.

In other news, I found out that commencement is a day earlier than I thought, so... that shaves another day off the clock. Huzzah.

Classes last semester went reasonably well. Didn't fall anything, but I do have to contest some grades due to some asinine grading procedures. So that'll be fun.

This next semester starts up... I want to say week after next. Glad all this bullshit happened now rather than during the semester, that definitely would've sucked ass.

Anyway... gonna grab half a smoke, I think, and then try to pass out.

119 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits...

Monday, December 15, 2014


I should be finishing up my various assignments before my finals on Tuesday. But... there it is.

I recall, very clearly, the moment I stopped personally identifying as a "gamer." Amber and I were at GameStop, and the new Duke Nukem game was about to come out. Amber and the cashier had an excited exchange about it, and somehow I got dragged into it. I was aware of the game, and the franchise in a general sense, but had never played them. The cashier just kind of shook her head (yes, two women were involved in this conversation) and said, "You might not be as much of a gamer as you think you are."

Once upon a time, I would've taken that as an insult. I prided myself on self-identifying as a gamer and a geek. It was important, for some reason, in ways that I've lost touch of in the past several years. But in that moment, I took a brief pause to reflect on the statement, and agreed with the notion. And was perfectly fine with it.

I bring this up because in the past few weeks, I've been contemplating my whole thing with Sundays. You see, every Sunday now for around... goddamn, seven years? I've played D&D. Or some other TTRPG, but generally D&D, generally d20. And the other week, it just... I don't know.

Like, this past summer, I pretty much stopped playing video games. Now I don't consider something like Civilization to fall into the same category as other games: that's mostly a "I have a day to burn, umm... play Civ, I guess" kind of thing. It's not something I really pursue, it's just... a really long game of solitaire, essentially.

I only played Minecraft this past week because I found out that a mod that I'd wanted to play a year ago had finally updated to the version I'm on a few months ago, and I wanted to try it out. Of course, I also applied for a position with the "company" that makes the mod, and wanted to be at least familiar with their new content. Actually I applied because I was kind of appalled that something that was so hyped had such... shitty dungeon design. Not that they're to blame, they're using the built-in methods from Minecraft, but... if there is a place to make PGC shine, it is instanced dungeons in Minecraft.


So, I've pretty much stopped playing video games. I don't really care anymore. And I'm slowly moving towards that opinion in regards to tabletop RPGs, as well. Playing the game is just so... I don't know, trite? I feel like I want to say that I've grown past it, but I'm not sure if that's the right word. But it feels like the right word.

Now, on the other hand, designing this shit is totally awesome. I designed a card-based RPG in a couple weeks, a couple months ago, and it's friggin' awesome. But even so, now that we've got the basics hammered out and playtested it a few times, it's like... okay, yes, card game. I don't want to play it. I want to design it, and design more, and actually do something business-like with it. Sitting around playing a goddamn CCG that I made is... okay, I guess, but I probably have better things to do with my time, you know?

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that the "gamer" label doesn't really feel like it applies, anymore. I might play games now and again, it's not like I'm opposed to the notion or completely abandoning it. But games - specifically the playing of games - being a major component of my life is definitely trending towards not being a thing. Game design and game-playing are, and always will be (at least in my mind), two very different things. While both are hobbies, one is definitely more intellectually stimulating than the other, and I feel like I've achieved something when I do something awesome with game design. The same cannot be said for playing a game.

Anyway, it's late. I should probably go to sleep so I can finish shit tomorrow, and probably study for my finals on Tuesday.

153 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Friday, November 28, 2014


So the other night, when I was upset at myself for getting drunkenly angry... apparently my PS3 was not cooperating, and that's why I was angry. Which is sensible - I had a solid reason. Not like I just started freaking out for no reason.

Went out drinking pretty much every night this week, except last night because I'm out of gas and nowhere was open. Anyway, I managed to go through each night without freaking out. Hell, Orby and I even playtested the card-based RPG I wrote up a month or so ago, and it went pretty well.


In other news, today I signed up for graduation. That's a bit of a weird feeling. I'll be walking with the computer science folks... not sure how many of us there will be, but it'll be better than walking with the philosophy students. Interestingly enough I can count on one hand the number of my fellow philosophy students I can actually stand; most of them I just want to punch in the face for being so goddamn retarded.

I remember on Tuesday, one of them was trying to convince me that gravity falls off at a rate of the cube root of the distance, not the square root... oh look, the inverse-square law! Goddamn people. Pro-tip to any philosophy students reading this: shut the ever-loving fuck up about anything other than philosophy, unless you actually have studied it and know what you're talking about. Shoving your head up your ass about other fields when you don't know what's going on is seriously probably one of the reasons we are generally ridiculed.

In my Lit class, I'm reading Ibsen's A Doll's House. Reading it makes me angry... watching the film version from the 70's makes me even more angry. Why am I supposed to sympathize with a character who is utterly unable to take responsibility for her actions? Why am I supposed to sympathize with a character who thinks the law doesn't apply to her, because she's special or whatever? The fuck is this nonsense. At least with Shakespeare, I knew what I was getting into... but this is just fucking stupid.

Oh and then over the next few weeks we're reading Death of a Salesman. Because I didn't get sick of reading that in high school.

Ugh. Whatever. Just a couple more weeks left to this semester, and then like... a month and a half off. And then the final semester.

It'll feel good to finally be done... 169 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Saturday, November 22, 2014


The other day, someone in one of my classes compared me to Bruce Banner: he anticipated the notion that I would have whiteboards in my place (I do, because they're awesome), I'm always angry, and I've done some studying of physics in my time.

It's not an incorrect comparison. But it does bother me.

Last night I got hammered. Happened somewhat by accident... I got more hammered than I'd intended. Of what I remember, I was having a good time. An okay time, at the very least. But then, apparently, at some point, I started freaking out and yelling a lot and just generally being an angry person.

I don't know why I get so goddamn angry. I don't know why I'm angry all the time. I have a lot of things to be angry about, sure... but at this point, I also have a lot of things to not be angry about. So why the hell am I so angry all the time?

It's getting... no, it is out of hand. It needs to stop. I just have no idea how to stop it.

Thursday, November 20, 2014


It's been awhile. So much for my plan of doing five or so posts a month, eh?

Life has been busy. Well... perhaps not "life," but I'll get to that in a moment. Lots of irons in the fire, sure enough, but not a whole lot coming to fruition.

Middle of last month or so, I decided to get back into gaming. Resubbed to both Eve and FF XIV. Haven't played much Eve - still no reason to - but I went into XIV with gusto. Dived right back into it, and that... kind of consumed my time, quite a bit.

It's not to say I didn't have fun. I did, for most of it. But then the other day, I was playing, and was kind of getting bored... just a slump, I told myself.

Then I was driving to class on Tuesday, and - nearly back to back - "Cat's in the Cradle" played, followed by "Dust in the Wind." I then kind of had one of those revelatory moments, and was like, "oh right, I'm mortal. I should probably do shit."

Haven't logged into either game since.

Classes are going okay. I figured out in the last couple weeks that if I wear headphones and listen to my post-rock track on Pandora on super-low volume, it does wonders for my focus - if I actually try to pay attention. Otherwise it completely destroys my ability to passively listen (ie, when I'm paying solitaire instead of paying attention). So it's a work in progress, but when it works, it works, and it's awesome.

Today I finally acknowledged the inevitable and, in the spirit of acknowledging my mortality, put together my academic plan for my graduate degree. I now know exactly where I want to go, the degree I am going for, and the classes I will be taking - and in what order. I'll be able to finish in literally a year, which is fantastic.

Chances are good that I'll be starting that up within a year of graduating in the spring. I have momentum, now; the storm can rage all it wants, but I am finally sailing under my own power, despite it. I'm not interested in resting on my laurels; there's shit to be done, and I won't be able to accomplish it by basking in my achievements. Even if I manage to graduate on time, this time around, an undergrad in computer science and philosophy is just... insufficient for my goals. I need more.

I may always need more, but that's another story.

I've also begun contemplating looking for a job, specifically in Seattle. Amazon is apparently hiring, and that sounds like as good a venue as any. I just need something solid that can give me a decent monetary base to work with, and provide me with funding while I pursue my graduate degree. Once I have that in hand, I can begin working towards figuring out how to get to Bloomington and get the joint doctorate in cognitive science and informatics with a complex systems emphasis.

The road is clear. The path is set. I have but to walk it.

177 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.