Thursday, November 26, 2015



I have decided that I want Danielle in my life again, and that I will make this one last, final attempt to make that happen.

This is not a decision I come to lightly. Two years ago, I sat in this very spot - albeit on a different computer - and planned out my route to Buffalo. What I thought had been a successful rekindling of our relationship was apparently anything but, a fact whose cause has only become known to me recently, with Danielle telling me her perspective on how things unfolded.

That we could have such a candid conversation is proof that she has come a long way. I am ... a bit sad, I suppose, that I was not the one to accompany her on that part of her journey, but it is what it is. There is little sense in fretting over the past; once again, everything that has happened has led to where we both are today. If things had played out differently... who can say what the now would look like?

With that said. I am going to attempt to make this work. This will be the last time I try to do this; it must be the last time. I can't keep investing emotional energy into something that will not pan out. I am comfortable walking this road alone, if need be; but I would rather walk it with her at my side, and join in her path through life. If she is not interested, or if it doesn't pan out... then to our own separate ways we go.

But. That is neither here nor now; the decision point - the fulcrum, if you will - of whether or not I abandon the attempt at bringing her into my life once more is far into the future. A more pressing fulcrum looms.

I invited her to come down to Alabama for a couple days. We're having a work holiday party thing, and I thought - with her interest in space and such - that she would be interested. While she ultimately had to reject the offer, I think it was due to the timing (I admittedly put it off until almost the last minute, thinking it over in my head for a long while; I am trying not to rush into this, given our history), and not because she was not interested.

This is a good sign.

As part of her rejection, she mentioned that she will be heading to Indiana in January to see a friend, and asked me if I wanted to meet her there. A counter-offer, which I found interesting.

I have not yet committed to a decision regarding a meet in January, but I will admit that I am leaning towards a "yes." However, my suggestion is probably not something she is expecting; specifically, I am thinking of suggesting that I fly out to Buffalo, and that we make the drive to Indiana together. This would give us a significant amount of time to talk in person, without risk of other activities or people intervening, which is something I think we need to do if we're going to move forward with this.

I have no idea if she wants to be in a relationship with me. I get the feeling that, at present, she is largely unhappy with her situation, and I think we've reached an understanding regarding the ... awkwardness of our last encounter. Whether or not that translates into an interest in being with me is, admittedly, another thing entirely, which is why I think an extended period of time in which we can just talk to each other may be a good thing. It would help us establish where we stand with each other, and perhaps bond again as we once did, what seems a lifetime ago.

Don't get me wrong; though I say that this will be the last time, I am willing to put a significant amount of effort into making this work. But there will come a definite point in which a call must be made, and if the decision is to not move forward, then that has to be the end of it, for my sanity.

So, there you have it: two fulcrums. One in January, and another one with a floating temporal point, but most likely soon after January, provided that plan pans out.

I think I've said enough for the evening.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Thursday, November 05, 2015


My relocation to Alabama - and the beginning of my career - has kindled a persistent, if weak, sense of existential dread.

Once upon a time, my life was defined by a series of moments - and not just moments in the sense of the passage of time, but instead specific moments in time, momentous seconds in which the course of my life became altered. Graduating college was one such moment; getting this job, another; meeting Danielle, another. These fulcrums, if you will, appear many times in my history, and I'm sure that even a casual perusal of this blog would result in a number of them appearing - if not directly, then through indirect reference.

This was my life, before a few weeks ago: not a series of temporal moments, but a series of eventful moments. The spaces between were simply that - temporal space, taken up with the expectation of the next known fulcrum. Sometimes a new one would appear - Danielle was one, her leaving me another - without warning, a spontaneous change in the story of my life, and the path forward, towards the next known moment, would change.

But always that moment awaited in the distance. Always counting down the days towards an event, or counting the days since. I have seemingly always defined myself not by the present, but by the future - or even, for a long time, the past.

This relocation and all that has come with it has not necessarily torn that method of thinking asunder, but the ship is certainly taking on water quickly. There is no longer a moment to look forward to; instead, there is only work. And while I have a solid job that pays... stupidly well, it doesn't change the fact that when I go into the office, somewhere in the back of my mind is this thought:

This is my life now.

I started talking to Danielle again. Ali thinks this is a mistake; but Ali knows me well, now, and knows the ... emotional danger such an activity poses. In the course of our conversations, I have found that the reason she cut me off last time - so... winter of '13 - was because of miscommunication and general failure to understand her mindset. While telling me that then would have been immensely helpful, I can't change the past. All I can do now is attempting to change the course of things to come.

Which is what initiated this post: the realization that my life is no longer headed towards a specific moment, but instead consists of moments. There are, at least for the time being, no fulcrums in my future, and it may be some time before the next one appears, if it even does so (though I have a feeling that, being who I am, one certainly will). There is nothing holding me back, now; I have the education, and given a bit of time, the experience necessary to find employment pretty much anywhere. I am no longer reliant upon the whims of fate or my ability to find an angle to feed and house myself.

There is no more storm. Only calm, open seas. Through iron will, I can go where and do as I damn well please.

That said...

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Thursday, October 29, 2015


So. Here we are, on the raggedy edge.

Well, not so raggedy now, is it? No, I'm actually in a fairly solid position at the moment. Got a decent place to live, for the first time in a long time. A real job, and for the first time since I became a chef, I can say that I am proud of what I do. A working car, a well-stocked kitchen, a pocket full of smokes.

This was the dream, was it not? To be where I am now? If you had told me when I was homeless, or struggling with depression while trying to go to classes at the tech college, or when I was drinking myself stupid every night for months on end, that this is where I would end up... I would have laughed. That would have been the only sensible answer.

Life is pain. The hardships I went through, the things I did, everything shaped who I am right now, in this moment. I would never want to go back to my younger self to tell me that everything would turn out alright. To do so would undermine everything that happened since; I struggled because I didn't know that I would get here. I wallowed in self-pity and self-hatred, I studied all the things I read, because I was not sure that this moment would ever become real.

And now it is... and now I've encountered a whole new sort of existential crisis.

For so long, everything was about points in time. From '99 on, every few years there has been a change in what that point was, but there always was one. There was always a goal, something to work towards, a... light at the end of the tunnel. And then, in the past several years, there were the counts of days, both from when Danielle left my life and to the day of graduation, now since long past.

Melancholy. I have achieved that which I set out to do; now that I have it, the lack of guidance that has always been provided by those goalposts has been removed.

I now just... sort of exist. And that's an awkward proposition, after a life of either looking forward or looking back. I suppose it should make me relax: after all, I've spent a long time getting to where I am now, I should enjoy it and engage the work with gusto, right? Don't get me wrong, I get to do some interesting things at my job, and the conversations we have are... yes significantly in-depth technical discussions of things only peripherally relevant to the exciting things going on, but - at the end of the day - what we're doing makes all of that other stuff possible. Software runs the world, now, after all.

It just... the story can't end with "then he worked for 50 years and then retired." That's just such a ... potentially colossal letdown that I can't even begin to express how frustrated I am with the notion. My boss has been with this company for like 20 years, and I can't even begin to fathom that. While he's seen some cool things... I don't know. In part I recognize that pretty much any coding job short of actual, serious AI work will now seem incredibly dull and boring in comparison to what I'm doing now, so I will probably be here for awhile, but...

I can't just exist. I can't just go through the motions; I can't just go to work, then go back home, week in and week out. This isn't even the end of my second week, and already it's starting to drive me a little crazy. I need a goal. I need ... more. And I know how crazy that sounds. I just... there's got to be more than this.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Friday, October 02, 2015


Yesterday was the more glorious dawn that I have awaited.

Post graduation, things were looking... rather dicey. Finding a "real job," as it were, turned out to be significantly more difficult than I'd anticipated, to the point where I took a menial job at a pizza joint just to keep myself in gas and smokes.

But it is always darkest just before the dawn.

After a roughly two month-long process, during which I spent a significant amount of time believing that I'd been passed over, I received an offer. It pays ridiculously well, has a benefits list the length of my arm, and is somewhere that isn't frozen over three-quarters of the year.

I now work for NASA.

I have spent the past couple days reflecting on this, and it still... is just ridiculous, to me. The path I have walked has brought me here, to a place that, ultimately, is second only to my dream of AI. And while I will still pursue that path... I certainly don't mind forwarding the cause of humanity's progress into the heavens.

 I still can scarcely believe it myself.

The irony here, of course, is that this was her dream. She did not articulate it much, but it seemed like the one thing she was really, truly interested in; while she spoke of architecture from time to time, that seemed more like a hobby. Funnily enough, it was partially because of Danielle that I myself got more interested in space, among other things.

And now, here I am: on the precipice of a job that she - probably - always wanted.

I still keep tabs on her, mostly because it amuses me. That might sound mean, but this is the girl - I would say woman, but... eh - who essentially ruined my life for a good few years. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I am today, and I have mostly let go of any resentment I held towards her, but she was also the catalyst for the mindset I have today, and I will not forget her role in that.

So. Yes. I now work for NASA. This is a good first job, and I probably couldn't ask for better. But this is just the beginning of the path. I have finished the first leg of my education and have found solid employment in my field, but there is much more to learn if I am to realize my dream of bringing forth thought from the void.

I will be moving in a couple weeks, so that's fun; I've never lived out of state, much less outside of this town. I look forward to it, but with a feeling of dread as well: I don't handle such drastic change well. But I will adapt, and there are others who are in much the same boat as I.

Despite the glory of this dawn... a still more glorious dawn awaits. My ambitions are high, and I believe with all of my being that I am capable of realizing them, in due time. This is but the first dawn; many more will follow.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Friday, May 15, 2015


I was going to try to post more this year, but my newfound approach to life made that significantly less of a priority.

It is entirely possible that, after my relocation, I will feel the need to throw my voice into the void again; after all, I will be leaving pretty much everything I've ever known.

Don't look back.

This chapter of my life is rapidly coming to a close. I will finally - finally! - have the piece of paper I've been after for so long. It would've been a lot sooner if a certain individual hadn't seen fit to throw my life into shambles, but... honestly, she's not to blame. It's my own fault for not taking control of the situation, of not really being the rock she needed.

And still needs. What an emotional fucking wreck...


So: now I have the thing. I am finally no longer a college student, but a college graduate. That's... one hell of a change. And very weird to consider that I'm not in school next semester; not because I got denied, or because I can't afford it, or for any reason other than that I am no longer in school. Considering I've spent the last two decades pursuing my education, that's kind of a big deal.

Soon I will begin the job hunt, and by the end of summer, I will have relocated to Seattle, where Ali and a whole new world await. The first steps on the path I have chosen.

12 hours remain...

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


It's been an unusual month.

The malaise passed, as it always does. The depression comes, the depression goes; such is the cycle of my mind.

Not what I want to talk about.


Once upon a time, I self-identified as a gamer, an anarchist, an intellectual.

Someone who snubbed the idea of physical perfection; someone who thought that feminism was a noble goal; someone who believed in the ideas of democratic policies; someone who believed that getting along with others was a perfectly viable way to get through life.

I no longer identify as those things, and I am no longer that person.

I have spent a significant amount of time, over the past six months, reading various things scattered throughout the internet. Rusty, misshapen thoughts; not the smooth, mirrored curves of the ideas held in academic halls, but notions whispered of in secret, amongst those who - in one way or another - attempt to fight back against the sociopolitical currents of our time. Rebels in their own way, but not in the progressive sense; no, the tide has turned too far, and now rebellion is an attempt to return to the way things once were, in a better time.

The madness has gone too far, and there are those who fight against the tide - if one seeks them out.

Once upon a time, I descended into the Black, and for a long time, I considered that my darkest hour. I dallied with the shadow in my mind, the darkness that lurks within the depths of who - and what - I am, and only at the last moment did I bring myself back from that brink.

But now... heh, now. Now I realize that my only folly at the time was how I ventured into it - that my fumbling steps into it nearly threw me headlong into an ideology that I was not, at the time, ready to accept. The Black is not an abyss, but it took me a long time to accept that, and to accept that this is, mentally, where I have needed to go.


I have found a level of ... something, within. Where once I was meek and shy, I now project and proclaim my stance. I do not back down in the face of adversity. I mock the foolish, reprimand the disrespectful, disdain the incompetent. I command, where once I would have asked; I demand, where once I would have hoped; I lead, where once I would have followed.

There is no room in my heart for softness. I will no longer suffer fools quietly. I stamp out dissent and destroy those who oppose me, using whatever means are necessary to do so. I do not fight fair; I fight to win.

I am the alpha, and I have found my will to power.

79 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


Waking up process... takes me awhile, these days. I kinda feel like ass, at the moment.

Been having a rough time mentally, lately. Don't know what the fuck is going on in my brain. Things are going well, things are going according to plan... still I'm just a ball of hate.

What is it going to take for me to become a well-adjusted individual? Why am I always so... off-balance?

I have no idea how to center myself, and I can see that it's a problem, but I don't really have any idea how to go about fixing it.

Maybe my problem is that I still let that night define me. Over six years ago, and it still... it's still the fulcrum of my life. I don't like that. I need to let it go, somehow.

At this point I think the only way that's going to happen is if I get out of this town. Need to make a fresh start somewhere else. Get away from all the reminders... I don't know.

Anyway. Class is soon.

107 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits...