Thursday, September 11, 2014

Slow

Nine days. Lots has happened.

I've had three interviews. They all seemed to go pretty well, I think... two were at one place, for a comp sci internship. I've never really felt like I knew enough to even be considered for such a job, so that was - admittedly - a bit of a confidence boost.

Other one was for a night auditor job at a hotel nearby. Not nearly as glamorous, but... it's not food, which is a nice change of pace.

Unfortunately, I probably won't know about either one for awhile yet. The internship thing sounded... shaky, I guess? It's all remote, and they're a consulting firm, so I guess it's harder to get a job that way. Or something. They were kind of unclear. And the auditing job, well... they have a number of other candidates, and I might have been a bit late to the interview, which sure as hell didn't help my chances any.

Anyway.

I've sold ten copies of my thing, which you can find on the sidebar. Ten copies... ugh. Feels like so little. Haven't sold any in a couple days. Starting to get a little disheartened.

I have put almost no work into Journey, and we start up our playtest in a couple days. That's going to be... super fun.

My classes are kind of insane. I hate my philosophy class; specifically, I loathe the professor. He's the one guy I have gotten less than a B from in a philosophy course. He seems to have issue with me having opinions. I don't know. That was also like... six years ago, so maybe he's mellowed out some. I know his handwriting has improved, so at least that's something.

I'm also having issues adjusting my sleep schedule. I have class in seven hours, and I have to be on campus for... eight hours, with no opportunities for naps or anything like I did last semester. So... yeah.

I wonder if my phone is charged yet. Eh... 80%? I guess I'll take it. Need it to be good to go for an alarm, and the cord doesn't reach to the futon.

Oh yeah, and it's getting cold here again. Makes me want to watch Black Swan... I watched that my first week at the hovel, now a few years ago. Don't know if it was good times, but it was interesting times. Maybe now I'll always associate the smell of fall with that place. I know it's the first time that I moved that wasn't at the end of spring or start of summer... even moving into the dorms, that was the end of August, so it still smelled like summer outside.

I hate the winters here. I like snow, don't get me wrong, but... fucking cold. I hate the cold. At least this should be the last winter I spent in this miserable hellhole, assuming all goes well.

248 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Crumble

Oy. What a week.

Trying to get my phone reactivated in the event that I get a call-back regarding a job. That has been a super-fun experience. ...wait, I mean the other one. Super-shitty. That's the phrase.

Still wait-listed on a bunch of classes. Been scrambling to figure out exactly what the hell I need to take to ensure that I can graduate on time. Ha! Well, on time for me, anyway. I'm about five years too late to graduate "on time," but... life happens, I guess.

Finally started doing the self-publishing thing. Don't know if I've mentioned that on here before, but it was a crazy drunken thought I had a couple weeks ago, and it finally got off the ground. Put a link to it in the sidebar thingy where I put my work. Also stuck a link to my Minecraft mod, because... completeness, I guess.

...

First class of this semester starts in just over four hours. My sleep schedule got all kinds of fucked once summer hit, and while I adjusted it mildly to accommodate my only in-person class at TC over the summer, it pretty much went right back to nocturnal once that was done. I guess nearly a decade of almost entirely being nocturnal will do that to you.

Alcohol is still making me angry. Not entirely sure why. I mean... I'm an angry person, I guess. So it makes sense that when the inhibitions are removed, all that bullshit comes out. Probably doesn't help that not much is really going my way these days.

...has anything ever really gone my way?

Success has been rare. Every victory tainted by all the defeats that happened along the way. Even this self-publishing thing... it's cool that I finally got off my ass and started doing something even vaguely productive, but... fuck. I don't see it as a success. Sure, selling three copies in the first 24 hours, as a no-name guy just doing this by his damn self... I don't know if that's decent or not. I mean it beats not selling any. Just doesn't strike me as fantastic, though, you know? Like any putz could have done that.

Hmm.

Maybe my problem is that there is nothing that I have succeeded at that I was only able to do so because I am me. By that I mean that there's nothing I've done that someone else couldn't have done. I'm not sure if that makes sense... I've been up too long already as it is, today. But I can't go to sleep now, since classes are so very soon.

Damn my inability to take naps.

I'm still a goddamn mess, inside. Nearly 30, and still a fucking mess. What a pathetic excuse for an adult I am. Squandered time...

No sense getting all upset about it now. One foot in front of the other. Don't look back. Just gotta keep marching ever onward. My dawn will come soon enough...

257 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Disaster

When it rains, it pours.

Finally got my financial stuff at UWGB resolved, though a day late and a dollar short: nearly every class I need to get into is wait-listed. So that will be fun.

The jobhunt is... pathetic. I have a few jobs I'm rather interested in, but with the death of my phone earlier this week, I need to work fast to figure out how to get it back online before the call-backs begin.

Oh yes, the phone. So apparently I'm nearly five hundred dollars in the hole on my phone. Which is interesting, since I wrote them a check for almost three hundred earlier this summer, and I know my phone bill is not that crazy. Especially when they gave me the all-clear after that initial check. There is some kind of crazy bullshit going on over there, but I don't have the financial power at the moment to resolve the issue, and I sort of need the phone, so I can't really tell them to go fuck themselves at the moment, since my number is on all my resumes.

Add to all this the fact that in a couple weeks I have to pay my fine from earlier this summer, which is another hair above two hundred... and I still haven't renewed my license... ugh.

Oh yes, and I have a powerful need to eat sometime this month.

...

In other news. Last week Wednesday I went out and got hammered, after staring at Journey shit all day. Turned out to be a pretty good call, as I had some solid ideas away from the desk.

As the night kept going, though, I had another idea. Plenty of folks write stuff for Pathfinder, selling them as pdf's for a few bucks. I thought to myself... self, you've done a lot of work in the d20 space. Written a lot of stuff. It probably would not be too difficult to convert all that crap and sell it.

So using what I learned this past summer (I know, right? My "business applications" courses were actually useful), I wrote up a thing, formatted it all nice, learned some shit about acrobat, and went to town. Wound up with a 13k-word document at around 24 pages, priced it at about two bucks (seems reasonable given the utter lack of art, it being my first self-published thing, and the market in general), and gave it a go. Right now it's waiting to be inspected for meeting minimal publishing standards, which... given some of the other stuff out there, I don't think I'll have any issues.

It's not a job, not really - not enough for my parents to consider it a job for purposes of helping me with school, at any rate. But it is something, and something I can stick on my resume, which is useful. I figure if I keep it up, I could probably write up one of these things every couple weeks. Total time spent on this one was probably in the vicinity of 40 hours, but it was my first time; anything after that, I'll at least know what I'm doing, and I have a template to work off of now, in terms of layout.

So yeah, so that's a thing.

Anyway... I'm tired, in a lot of ways, and I need to fix my sleep schedule.

261 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Frame

This month has been... hectic. Finally finished my summer semester, so that's out of the way. Good riddance, I say; it was nothing but busy-work, intended as a means to acquiring the financial foothold I needed to return to GB, nothing more. Glad to be done with it.

Not that I didn't learn anything - of course I did. I question the usefulness of the knowledge, but... more knowledge is never a bad thing. My lack of ability to leverage it does not negate the fact that knowledge is, ultimately, power.

And power is, more and more, becoming a worthy goal, in my mind. I know my goal - the ultimate goal, at the end of the line - but there is a lot of life between here and there. I am intelligent enough that I can devote myself to the work while, at the same time, living a life that can have more meaning that simply being the instrument of AI.

Ah, but patience is a virtue... at this point in my life, I have little power to enact change. That will shift soon enough, upon my graduation... but that time is not here, not now. Right now I need to continue to improve my understanding of myself, improve my body, mind, and soul, until I am in the right place, ready to strike upon whatever opportunities present themselves... or that I carve out of the rough.

...

In other news. Jim and I have had a falling out. He has become... more and more asinine over the past few months, and I have finally had my fill of it. We're done. Clean break. It is unfortunate, but I cannot have that kind of negative energy hanging about in my life. He is a broken individual, pessimistic and ultimately going nowhere; I have no room in my life for someone like that, weighing on my shoulders and doing naught but bringing me down.

Contemplating that decision was long and difficult. Finally making the decision, not so much. It is a switch in my mind, nothing more; I can turn my empathy on and off at a whim, easily enough. And thus I have done so.

You could make an argument that I'm not as skilled at that as I claim, and you might be right. Danielle... things were complex, in my mind. But when I made the decision, this past winter, to be done: well, there it is, then. Curtain falls. We're done here.

Work on Journey is progressing. Slowly, but progressing. I am now into material that has never been written before. So that's always a good sign. I remember reaching that point for Steamworks, all those years ago... very similar feeling, though without the pressure of a deadline. In many ways that makes it harder; I function better with solid deadlines. Pressure makes diamonds, after all.

Still working on finding a job. That is not as easy as writing... bitter work, but making progress. I am rapidly running out of time to procure employment.

Anyway. Should probably edit out the summer classes on the sidebar thing, then get to work on Journey stuff.

271 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Vigor

Dealing with some financial shenanigans at the moment. Good times, most certainly.

On to week three of lifting. Seen only mild change, at best; oddly enough, my weight has gone up since I started lifting (hovering just below 160, which is... very high, for me). I also did a complete 180 on my diet, stopping going out entirely and just eating homemade food, primarily sandwiches and what-not.

I also, very briefly, considered reneging on my ichtyornivorous diet, but... I have decided that, for the time being, maintaining my current diet will suffice, I think. I'm not looking to get bulky, for which eating mammal would probably help immensely, but more just... well, I gotta get rid of this flab.

*cigarette*

It's funny, though. Even just the last week, I find myself full of energy. Sad to say that prior to starting this regimen, going up and down even a couple flights of stairs at a reasonable pace was enough to get me winded... now, I can do it with ease. I think it's also having an effect on my mental state, as I'm... more alert, finding it easier to recall things.

Though that may be a function of being done with the depression and all that bullshit. Though I will admit that drinking brings it rushing back to the fore... I have gone off on drunken rants at Ali via text a few times, which is very unfortunate. I shouldn't be venting at her, she doesn't need to hear it and my ranting and raving doesn't actually accomplish anything.

I have recently also begun trying to restart my social life, though my financial situation is making that significantly more difficult than in days past. But I'm getting there.

Speaking of which, I am supposed to go meet the violin man at a bar later this evening, so I should get some shit done rather than talk about it. Walk the walk, as they say.

283 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Masquerade

People... aren't.

I have just come to this realization, and I need a cigarette to fully digest it and contemplate its implications.

*cigarette*

Okay, let's back up a step.

Solipsism is, I think, an inherent part of the human condition. The innate humanity of others is something truly unknowable. We are trapped within our own minds; it is only through a combination of learning and empathy that we understand - to a limited extent - that other humans have the same kind of mental space we do.

When I go to a bar: yes, there are people. I recognize that humans, such as myself, have mental spaces that somewhat mirror my own, sufficiently to recognize that they are not straight-up p-zombies. That said, however, they are not... individuals. They aren't persons, they are merely people.

When I engage with one of these people, or one of them engages with me, they cross that divide and are no longer people, but a person. However, that transition is not one-way; many of the persons I have encountered in my life, but no longer keep in touch with, have gone back to being people. For some, this transition is faster; for others, it may never happen.

This kind of plays along the same lines of the notion that "a single death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic." It also plays around with the idea of Dunbar's number, in the sense that we can only track so many persons at a time, and everyone else just becomes people.

I'm going to go ahead and posit that empathy - that ingrained part of your brain that makes you connect to other people on an emotional level - is what forces that transition of someone you are literally interacting with in the moment to go from people to person. For people with built-in empathy, who have no ability to turn it off, that immediate transition is automatic and cannot be stopped. It can be temporarily overridden, such as what we see in the Milgram experiment and similar such psychological experiments (though there is apparently some question as to the veracity of Zimbardo's Stanford prison experiment, but that's beyond the scope of this post).

People in positions of power who are able to wield that power effectively - by making hard decisions, by being back-stabbing bastards, by playing the power game - are those that are able to prevent that instantaneous transition from happening. They can look at an individual they are interacting with and not see Dave, but just a pawn or what-have-you. Authority requires this: if you have to fire someone, it is simply easier to do so if you do not see them as Dave, the guy you go out drinking with, but as just a member of some class of people. It is much harder to harm someone we consider a person, because of the empathic bond; but if a people never becomes a person in your mind, then you can make that decision.

Of course, the reason it's difficult to harm a person is because of conscience; if you lack that, well, then you can do what you will while still allowing individuals to transit from people to person, because of your lack of concern of the moral ramifications of your actions, if any.

You cannot invest emotionally in people, but you can invest in a person. You can try to invest in people as a whole, but your efforts are probably self-serving in some fashion; all those environmental activists, for instance, may be working to better the lives of people, but I would argue a good number are also doing it for various other reasons, most of them probably tied to their images of self.

Anyway... the point that I am trying to make, here, is that power, empathy, and conscience are all tied to this notion of people vs. persons. The cognitive limitation we have on how many people we can literally regard as actual persons just further exemplifies the point, as does any demonstration of random strangers interacting.

My takeaway from this... people should earn their personhood. Instead of automatically assigning emotional value to interactions with others, wait until they give you a good reason to promote them to person. Because persons are valuable in some fashion; not in a tool sense, but in a real, personal sense. Persons shouldn't be manipulated, shouldn't be used and discarded; they are the social network of individuals you give a damn about. People, on the other hand, can be manipulated, can be used and discarded, can be made your pawns in whatever activities they are relevant for. Because they haven't earned the ability, in your mind, to be a person.

This is not to say that you should just automatically treat people like shit. Obviously being an amicable individual who isn't an asshole just for kicks will get you a lot farther in life than the converse. But such interactions need not contain real emotional content; you shouldn't put value on the random people you meet, because they are just people. Until they prove sufficiently interesting or worthy of investment, they should stay that way.

This approach calls for a modulation of empathy and an acceptance of lack of conscience, while still acknowledging that something akin to meaningful relationships are still possible. But rather than going with meaningful relationships as the default state, it instead defaults to a more detached, clinical approach. Stoicism, essentially.

Once upon a time, I decided upon three virtues: distance, balance, focus. My last post could be said to have been primarily about balance; balance between the three facets of existence - body, mind, soul. This post, then, could be said to be primarily about distance, and its importance in engaging with the rest of humanity.

Why is this important? Because life is, most times, a zero-sum game. There are winners and losers. As much as we may detest that fact, at this point in human history, it is a truth. If I get a job, there is someone out there who may have wanted it that now will not. In order to pursue my goals, it is therefore necessary that I act in accordance to my own will and actively work against the wills of others.

If I were to acknowledge these others as persons, that would be to act with empathy and conscience towards them, and I may undermine my own goals to serve the goals of others. However, because no one is watching out for me, I must put myself first, above all others; to do otherwise is self-sabotage. Thus, to further myself, I must explicitly not acknowledge these people as persons. I need to keep them at arm's length.

This is not to say that I should dehumanize them or "other" them. I can still see them as people, and there is a baseline level of respect there; I can argue for their rights and such, as people, and all that fun jazz. But I think that there is a distinction in the types of ethics and morality applied; for people, it is in the abstract, while for persons, it is in the concrete.

...if it seems like I'm trying to justify manipulating others, while trying to hold on to a semblance of common decency, you would be entirely correct. The problem with my last dalliance with the Black was that I simply threw myself into it, without consideration of the repercussions or the precise philosophy with which I was acting. I simply went on base impulse, which... well, you either know how that went, or can read about it, at your leisure.

I am ultimately going back to the Black. I don't think there's any way around that, at this point. But I recognize that the darkness can lead to terrible places, and I'm not ready to adopt that again. Instead, I want to take on what I view as the positive aspects of the Black, while segregating myself from the aspects of it that are just quite frankly terrible.

I actually am starting to think that Candle Morality might actually still prove useful, in the vein that it was intended. It provides a simple moral framework that is incredibly basic, that allows for the kinds of things I'm talking about while still acting as a preventative measure against truly heinous things. If I accept that others will attempt to manipulate me - and they will - and do not acknowledge that as wrong, but simply a thing that happens, then it doesn't rise to the level of moral judgment. It is simply a fact of life at this stage in our species' development that these things will happen.

Manipulation can be harmful, yes. Doing things like backstabbing someone to get a higher position in a company is probably harmful to that person, but not harmful in the same way as actually stabbing them. It's part of the game; if they choose to play by rules they don't have to, that is their own choice. I am not depriving them of basic needs, I am not challenging their ability to live; I am simply participating in the game we call society.

Yeah... yeah. That all makes sense to me. An entirely sensible moral framework that still allows for the social game of power. I like it. It's pretty solid. Of course I may only think so because it's nearly quarter to six in the morning, but hey, progress is good. I've been trying to wrap my head around this stuff for like a week now.

Alright, pretty much time for bed, I think. Probably another smoke though.

291 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Bushido

Once upon a time, I was entranced by Japanese culture. Something about the notion of the samurai grabbed me, engaged in something... primal, deep within.

The idea of the warrior-poet is still an ideal I cherish. That one must be strong not just of body, but also of mind. In my younger years, of course, being the geeky-type of individual that I... hrm. I'm not certain if the usage of "am" there is appropriate, anymore. Yes, I engage in geeky activities; but at this point, I am not certain I fit the stereotype. Does a geek lift weights?

Oh yeah, that's a thing that started this past weekend. I have a regular workout routine now; I've also started watching my diet. Mostly involving excising fast-food, but a diet, nonetheless. I have noticed that in the past year or so, I put on a significant amount of weight; my metabolism, once notoriously fast, has apparently slowed. Being closer to 30 than 20, now, I am not surprised by this. But something had to change, and this - in combination with my... revelations, these past couple weeks - has resulted in me now lifting. I'm not terribly strong, never have been, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Anyway. The goal, here, is a harmony of the triad: body, mind, soul. I have and always will be quick of mind; I have an intellectual power that is, frankly, superb. I have often been called arrogant because of that stance; rather than renege and say that I am not as smart as I think I am, I instead need to find ways to modify that presentation, to socially calibrate my behavior so that I am not such an arrogant bastard to people whose opinions I care about.

Soul... well, I discussed that in my last post. To embrace the realities that I see through my mind's eye, the atheism that I accepted so very long ago. But not just empty atheism; instead, to take it to its logical conclusions. There is no objective morality, there is no true right or true wrong, and thus we behave as we will. In essence: to embrace the ideal of the ├╝bermensch. To unshackle myself from the various belief structures that have been drilled into my head in my upbringing and by society at large; to unplug myself from the lies I have convinced myself of. To embrace what I once considered the darkness - but this time, without malice in my heart, just acceptance of truth.

I think that is where I went wrong, last time. I was - still, foolishly enough - in an incredibly volatile emotional state, further destabilized by a dependence on alcohol. When Bri came along and shook the one truth I thought was inviolate, it... disrupted the dance, and my world fell apart. I found the subconscious waiting, and embraced it, using my emotional conflict towards Danielle as fuel to justify doing a bunch of petty bullshit.

Of course, the recovery - if you could call it that - was just as bad, but in the opposite direction. I embraced all the bullshit I'd been taught growing up with full conviction, became convinced that I needed to atone and make it all better. Looking back on it now, I'm not sure that I needed to apologize; I probably shouldn't have, since the only reason I needed to was because I revealed the entirety of the plot. But I recall thinking to myself that I was done with games, that I was going to be honest and straight-forward from then out.

Funnily enough, of course, that got abused. When the thing with Freya, Amber, and Ryan went down, the ladies manipulated me. Still stuck in the state that I was, I was completely blind to it - I was acting honestly and forthrightly, and got played for it. I recall not appreciating that feeling, which made me double down on the whole "manipulation is bad" shtick.

So... fast-forward to now. In the intervening time, I've been manipulated multiple times by girls in my life. I should've known better, with regards to Danielle; I really should have. There was no excuse for ignoring that her past actions; I was a fool for anticipating change, and - once again - got played for it.

Really, the point here is simple. Women - all people, really, but I don't think I've met a woman who doesn't - manipulate people all the time. In a society where the application of brute force is outlawed, really the only field of challenge left is the social one, and therein lies the Machiavellian methods. The things that I was once very good at, the tools I intentionally abandoned because of a girl... who then turned around and used those very same methods on me.

Bear in mind that I'm not angry at her. Amber and Freya both did what they felt was necessary to improve their position; that's fine. It's a game, and I can't get mad for losing a game. I feel... angry for having been tricked, from an earlier encounter, into not even playing, the second time around, but life isn't fair.

And that's really the thing, here. Life isn't fair. Egalitarianism is a pipe-dream; it's just like anarchy. I have a strange habit of liking concepts that are only possible in theory, but can literally never be handled properly in execution. So if egalitarianism isn't possible, if life is something akin to a zero-sum game, then one should learn to play it.

Hence the samurai thing at the beginning of the post. Excellence in all fields; pursuit of perfection in every task undertaken. Wu wei, applied to all things. But in order to properly apply it, one must acknowledge that the three aspects of ourselves - body, mind, spirit - all must be cultivated. Ignore one aspect, and it weakens the whole: such is the nature of triads.

...

My primary concern is that I am losing sight of my ultimate goal. I am concerned that this new-found approach to life may encroach upon my ability to pursue it, primarily because it is not focused on one of the few currencies that matter.

However, I think that it may be possible to find harmony with the approach and my goal of working on AI. We shall see, I suppose, in the decades to come.

...

At this point, I suppose it might also be useful to point out that the old dichotomy of the Word and the Work is no longer in play. It was a useful concept, most of the time; it helped me get through a lot of the worse parts of my early 20's. But it, like so many other dualities, must be abandoned.

The chaos and tumult in my mind is beginning to coalesce into something solid, something firm, something... attuned to the realities of the world. Illusions and falsehoods slowly fade from my vision, and I am left with something beginning to approach the clarity of crystal. I am gradually forming a new code in my mind, a fusion of things I have read in the past weeks, my nature, and beliefs resulting from a renewed, closer examination of the world in which we live.

...

In other news, I need to find a job.

292 days remain.

A still more glorious dawn awaits.